House Rules

Dear Cats,

I am sorry that our home does not meet with your approval. I would like to take this opportunity not only to respond to your complaints, but also to review a few of the House Rules.

1.) The dog, or "the beast" as you call him, will not be leaving. He is sweet and gentle, and fulfills a very important role in our household. Besides keeping my feet warm at night, he is quick to snap up anything that is dropped, spilled, or thrown from a highchair. He is a canine Dyson and splat mat rolled into one. (I do, however, agree with you about the breath. I also think he rolled in something bad, so we will be making an appointment with the groomer ASAP.)

2.) The tiny humans will not be leaving, either. I think it is only fair to warn you that they soon will be mobile. This gives them the ability to bring their noises and smells even closer to you. Also, being cats, I'm sure you know all about curiosity. May I suggest keeping your tails where you can see them at all times.

3.) The litter box, and its fancy new chest, will not be moving anywhere else. There is no reason why you cannot jump down and walk on the floor. It takes far more energy to leap from the love seat to the coffee table to the couch to the cat tree to the kitchen island counter to the sofa table to the litter chest. I would also like to point out that you are no longer kittens, and some of those jumps require perfect Olympic long-jump form. As neither of you are, in fact, feline gold medalists, your near-miss, using-claws-as-grappling-hooks landings violate one of the essential House Rules:

Digging your claws into any piece of furniture which I like and wish to keep is not allowed at any time or for any reason.

(I do wish to note here that the coffee table is very old and a few new scratches may help the Master Chief to decide it's time to go furniture shopping. Have at it.)

4.) The "male human slave" does not actually work for you. When he returns each night from a long day of work for his real employer, he is tired. And instead of a relaxing evening, he comes home to an even longer night of trying to convince the tiny humans to sleep. So, if he derives a little pleasure from pretending you are Ninja Kitties, go with it. After all, his paycheck provides for your food, toys, fluffy comforter, and treats.

It has also not escaped my notice that you purr very loudly during these Ninja Kitty play sessions...

5.) Finally, as you bring up the topic of the kitchen, I would like to remind you of some other basic House Rules:

Stay out of the kitchen sink.

Your bowl is filled with cool, refreshing water at least twice each day. This water is filtered; it is the water that I myself drink. It tastes good, and is good for you. There is no reason to lap up lukewarm soapy water that has been sitting in a dirty plate. This behavior only results in projectile vomiting throughout the house, and try as I might to clean it up as soon as I find it, the Dyson dog sometimes gets there first. So, if you want his breath to smell better as you claim you do, stop drinking out of the sink.

Eat the food that you are given.

The kibble at the bottom of the bowl is no better than the kibble at the top. Similarly, kibble fresh out of the bag is no better than the kibble I gave you five minutes ago. Using your nose to push all the food out of your dish is not an acceptable reason for me to refill the bowl. It is also not a valid reason to wail pathetically. The food is still there for your eating pleasure; it's just on the counter where you spilled it.

Also, I would like to point out that your feeding schedule has not changed in years. Dinner always has been, and always will be, at 5:30 PM. We have never, ever missed a feeding. You are not going to starve (in fact, the vet has even suggested that one of you needs a diet). Perching on the top of the refrigerator like a ravenous vulture will not hurry dinner along. Neither will jumping on my head when my back is turned - in fact, this may have the opposite effect and delay dinner further.

I hope that we will be able to amicably resolve our differences, and that you can once again enjoy living here in our humble abode. Also, I regret to inform you that if there is a coming revolution as you say, you are going to lose because, well, you're cats. But that is also precisely why we love you and your crazy antics. Now, let's put all this behind us and go cuddle on the couch.

Lovingly,

The Management

(Photo courtesy of Jason Morrison on stock.xchng.)