An Open Letter From the Cats

Attention Management:

It has not escaped our notice that the quality of your establishment has been in rapid decline over recent years. We have tolerated many indignities during our stay, but the latest events have pushed us beyond the limits of feline patience. We must therefore insist upon a few changes:

1.)    We demand that you evict the beast. We have tolerated his presence for years, but can endure it no longer. His pungent breath has taken on a new odor that smells suspiciously like spit-up. Most concerning, though, is the way he approaches us when we try to play with the tiny humans’ toys. It is almost as if he wishes to play with us. We shudder at the thought.

2.)    We also require the removal of the tiny humans, which are disruptive and disgusting. Our delicate noses cannot endure the offensive odors emanating from their diapers. They emit sharp noises that pierce our sensitive ears, often at times when we are sleeping. Not to mention, the tiny humans don’t ever seem to sleep themselves; they are always filling our space with their noises and smells, even in the middle of the night. We suggest an exterminator be scheduled with the utmost haste.

3.)    We demand the repositioning of our litter box. While we appreciate the delicate décor of the new wooden chest which conceals our litter (and the double-entryway which prevents access by the beast and the tiny humans) its location in the front hall requires us to walk on the floor. This is not acceptable.

4.)    We insist upon more respectful treatment from the male human slave. Contrary to his erroneous belief, we are not “Ninja Kitties.” We do not appreciate having our paws moved in mock-karate moves, nor do we enjoy the associated “Ninja” noises that are made. Should he do it again, we will show him ninja moves of our own, and it will involve claws.

5.)    Lastly, we require that the kitchen begin serving dinner on demand. The dry food that is provided, peasant-style, disgusts us. We do not want to wait until the male human slave returns home at night to eat our wet food. Sometimes we may wish to eat at 2 PM, or we may wish to eat at 6 AM. We insist that you inform the kitchen accordingly.

We will be watching carefully to make sure that these changes are enacted swiftly. If you do not comply with our wishes, you will pay a steep penalty during the coming revolution.

Sincerely,

Serenity & Celerity

aka "The Cats"