A Plan to Fail

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Warning: Extremely long post ahead.

We're talking War and Peace-size. Feel free to detour to another blog.

Are you still reading?

Well, you can't say I didn't warn you. Apparently I had a lot to say about this.

Here goes...

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I'm a planner. My husband is a planner. So much so, that in our pre-parental lives we even planned to be spontaneous. Seriously. "Hey, let's spontaneously go out to dinner next Friday." (The spontaneous part was picking out the restaurant at the last minute. And yes, I know it's pathetic.)

Growing up, my dad never missed an opportunity to preach his favorite words of wisdom: "Prior Planning Produces Positive Products." So it's no surprise that I turned out the way I did. It would be no surprise to find that my husband is a planner, either, if you could meet his mother.

I love my mother-in-law. She is an amazing woman. She is also the Maharaja of all planners (or whatever the female equivalent of the Maharaja is - Maharani?). Martha Stewart herself would quake in her presence. My mother-in-law's plans are iron-clad, and every detail has its place.

For example, when my husband and I were dating, we stayed with his parents while in town for a family wedding. Shortly before the time I was told to be ready, I put on my cute strappy sandals and saw that my toenail polish was chipped. It was bright red, and the chip was - to say the least - very noticeable. In my twenty-odd years of using nail polish, I had never spilled or dripped it. Not a single drop...that is, until I was standing in the Master Chief's parents' beautifully carpeted guest room. Red nail polish droplets plus light blue fluffy carpet equals panic. I didn't have any nail polish remover with me - and I wasn't sure what that would do to the carpet anyway- so I gathered up my courage and told his mother what I'd done. I expected her to be upset, but to help me clean it up before it dried.

Nope. That wasn't her reaction at all. You see, part of her plan for the day was arriving at the church a half-hour before the wedding was to start. Not to socialize, not to introduce me to the family - just to be early, because it is her way. The way of the uber-planner. It didn't matter if the red drops were arterial blood and I had severed an arm, we were leaving the house at the designated time - exactly according to plan.

Often, her plans are great. She put together a lovely baby shower for me when I was on bedrest, and brought all of the out-of-state family to me, since I couldn't go to them. But sometimes, her plans clash with ours. Like when I was still in the early stages of my pregnancy, and she started planning their trip down for when the babies were born. She wanted to bring an air mattress to set up in the living room or the nursery. The Master Chief explained to her on three different occasions that this wouldn't work. For one thing, the nursery was a disaster area; since I was on bedrest and couldn't organize it, we had boxes and baby things strewn everywhere. And as for putting an air mattress in the living room - well, the cats aren't declawed, and if it's in their area, it's fair game. They also have a habit of trying to sleep with anyone who's within reach, and neither of my in-laws would appreciate waking up to find a cat on their chests, staring them down. (It even creeps me out sometimes, and I'm prepared for it.)

The most important consideration, though, was trying to breastfeed the twins. I just wasn't comfortable having my father-in-law living in our two-bedroom condo with us while I tried to figure out how to nurse the babies. So we explained all of this to them, offered to help with hotel costs, and thought the matter settled. Then, the day after the babies were born, we learned that my mother-in-law had decided that her plans trumped ours.

I should say first off that we had a bit of a rough hospital stay. Somehow we miraculously avoided the NICU, but Doodle and I had some slight complications, and it seemed like there were always people in our room. So when my cell phone rang the second night we were there, I let it go to voicemail. When the Master Chief's phone rang, he did the same. But then the room phone rang, and we finally answered it.

It was my mother-in-law. She was calling all the numbers she could find, because she needed to finalize her plans. And as we listened to her speak, we both started to feel sick to our stomachs. Because she and the Master Chief's father were still planning on bringing the air mattress and camping out on our floor. She had it all worked out months ahead of time, but needed to know the particulars of our release from the hospital to coordinate things on her end.

We were exhausted. I was under the influence of a thousand different hormones, and I got upset. The Master Chief was too tired to deal with it and wanted to just let them come to avoid an argument. I knew I wouldn't feel comfortable breastfeeding with my father-in-law walking around, and the nursing hadn't gotten off to a great start, anyway. Finally, my sweet husband left the hospital to call his mom back so that I wouldn't have to overhear the most uncomfortable conversation of his life, as he informed her that she needed to change her plans.

I guess, then, that I shouldn't have been surprised when she asked me in March about the plans for the twins' birthday. Which is on June 20th. And I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised when she sounded miffed that I hadn't made any yet, either. Nor should I have been surprised on any of the occasions that she's brought it up since then...yet somehow it catches me off guard each time. (It's worth mentioning that she's retired and doesn't have any actual need for this information, other than wanting to plan their hotel stay in the same hotel they always stay in, which is never even close to capacity.)

Photo courtesy of Thais Mor on stock.xchng.

I do have ideas - I have a theme picked out, and a general outline of what we're going to do for the party. But I'm going to wait until at least the end of April to pick a date. There are some complications with my side of the family - my parents are divorced, and cannot be in the same room at the same time. So probably only one can come to the party, and we will make separate plans with the other one. Of course, my mom is caring for her mother in another state, and may not be able to get away at all. My dad is currently living near us, but may be moving soon. So I'd like to get a better feel for which of them (if either) might be able to come, and how we can include both in our birthday festivities, before I commit to a date for the actual party. It's complicated, but I love them both and want them to be involved as much as they are able. And despite what my mother-in-law may think, I am planner enough to handle all those moving pieces.

But, in her eyes, this is a failure to plan since I didn't have a date for the party picked out way back in March. And we all know that a failure to plan is a plan to fail! Maybe she should pray that my aim fails when she comes for the party, otherwise she might find herself covered in cake...

(Just kidding. Kind of.)

I do want to reiterate that my mother-in-law is a wonderful lady. It's great that she wants to be a part of the twins' lives and a part of their first birthday celebration. But I also need her to understand that our lives are complex (especially given the situation on my side of the family), and that sometimes it's best not to make plans without having adequate information.

So what would you do if you were in my shoes? Should I pick a date just to pacify my mother-in-law, or stick to my guns and wait until I have better information to plan the party around?